Dawna Austin
A month has gone by, and I really had wanted to write down how I felt with my MS symptoms to keep a log, but it has been such an emotional month, I just couldn't do it. I realize now that I still can't look back at that time yet, it's just too raw.

On March 23rd, I found out via ultrasound that I had lost the baby -- there was no heartbeat.  Shortly thereafter,  I went in to the hospital for a D&C.   So, I'm writing this, without even looking back at my previous posts -- I just don't want to go there.

Only a week later, on April 1st on a trip down to visit my brother in the U.S., I started to not feel well. The numbness in my right foot turned into zapping pains, and then my entire body was "electrical" once again. The sensitivity in my limbs has greatly increased to the point now where just touching my right leg is extremely painful. The difference this time around is that I noticed my right knee was extremely weak and I started limping. Long story short -- the limp is still here.

It's been very disheartening to see this degradation of my physical body, in such a short time. My level of energy is close to nothing. Walking around the block would completely wear me out. I just live from moment to moment, as that is all I can really handle. I cannot plan ahead, and have to tell people not to count on me to be places -- I just don't know how I'll feel until moments before. It is difficult to be the mom that I want to be in this body.
I received another date for the procedure in Poland for May 20th. I feel very blessed to have this opportunity. I don't feel excited about it, however. I feel .. nothing. I think I've used up all the emotional energy over the past month and I'm in "survival" mode. It's safer to feel nothing than to deal with constant emotional battles.

I'm currently doing a high-dose prednisone treatment, and I'm on dose #4 out of 5 doses. I take 1250mg every second day. It makes me feel very odd, loopy, achy, heart races, and various other things. I realy hope it's doing what it's supposed to do in shortening this crazy MS attack I'm having. I am walking a little better, which is nicer, so maybe it's doing what it's supposed to do. It's pretty hard on your immune system, however, so I'm supposed to avoid all sick people. A simple cold could spell pneumonia for me... and I don't want to do anything that will jeopardize this May 20th date!

It's lunch time, so I need to go and figure out what to feed the kids. Something normally simple, but which now requires a lot of energy and will drain me for the next few hours.

I so wish I could look a few months down the road, and see a life where I can at least do normal things without expending all energy .. do I dare hope?

Something I read recently, which has sparked some debate in my being ....

Excerpt from "Ruthless Trust", by Brennan Manning.

To be grateful for the good things that happen in our lives is easy, but to be grateful for all of our lives -- the good as well as the bad, the moments of joy as well as the moments of sorrow, the successes as well as the failures, the rewards as well as the rejections -- that requires hard spiritual work. still, we are only grateful people when we can say thank you to all that has brought us to the present moment. As long as we keep dividing our lives between events and people we would like to remember and those we would rather forget, we cannot claim the fullness of our beings as a gift of God to be grateful for. Let's not be afraid to look at everything that has brought us to where we are now and trust that we will soon see it in the guiding hand of a loving God.