My body is definitely in a downward spiral. Yesterday I could feel myself sinking, and by evening, it was getting worse. I spent the night in a fitful sleep, feeling the pain within my body and it keeping me from getting into that deep sleep which is so essential. My left arm has been plagued for a month with intense nerve pain, like a sharp twinge up and down the skin that makes it feel itching from hell -- but no amount of scratching even touches it. I woke up realizing today would be another challenge to fulfill my daily tasks.

I'm in that spot of "do I cry .. or do I go into robot mode and just keep going?". All of this reminds me of when my mom would lay in bed for days. I would be so frustrated that she was not able to contribute to life.. frustrated that I had lost my mom to that unseen attacker that would keep her from me for days. And here I am -- repeating history for my children, only I'm doing it 20 years earlier than my mom was. I am angry, I am frustrated, I am so sad that I feel like I'm stuck in this prison. I so want to enjoy getting ready for Christmas. I want to bake cookies and bring them to my neighbors. Yet here I sit in my bed, unable to muster up enough energy and strength to even feed my kids breakfast (thank goodness for cereal on days like these).

I hear of stories of people with immense strength, courage to keep plugging forward and seem to rise to the occasion .. it makes me wonder if I've been given all this by mistake. I don't have what it takes to be strong amidst all of this. It's such a drain on my family.

I see my neurologist tomorrow to just give him an update on all that is happening with me. Pretty sure he can't do anything about it, but it's something to note in my chart.