Lots to sort through in my mind today. Picked up my daily devotional and prayed that somehow God would speak to me through the pages for today's devotional. The following is for today, February 18:


February 18

Cast your burden on the Lord, and He shall sustain you. Ps. 55.22

   Almighty God, I have great concerns on my heart today, yet I know You are a great Lord who can help me with those concerns. My work, unfinished projects, and unresolved perplexities weigh heavily on me. Uncertainty about the future and my inability to solve everything reminds me of my human limitations. And worries about loved ones and friends occupy my thoughts.


   Help me to cast my burdens upon You, and stop trying to manage my burdens in my own strength. In this quiet moment of prayer I deliberately commit each one of my burdens, large or small, into Your gracious care. Help me not to snatch them back. And give me an extra measure of Your wisdom, insight, and discernment as I tackle the challenges of this day.


   Make this a productive day in which I live with confidence that You will guide my thinking, unravel my difficulties, and empower my decision. I am ready for this day, Lord, and I intend to live it with freedom and joy.

So, I woke up this morning and went over to the hospital to pick up my test results. As it turns out, I am pregnant after all. Floods of tears won't seem to stop. I am so confused, frustrated, sad, disheartened, and so many other emotions that I cannot seem to even put into words. I struggle so much with what God is doing. I felt so strongly that He had led me to Poland and that all things were falling into place. Now it just makes me confused, not knowing what to believe, is it His voice or not? How do I ever know if I'm in His will?

This changes so much for our family -- changes which I'm not really sure I wanted. I've always wondered how people can be sad when they find out they are pregnant, and now I know (and won't be so quick to judge!). I pray that God helps me to get to the place where I can say "God you are in control and everything will be okay". Obviously I am mourning my lack of control, and the dreams which I had fully envisioned for myself. I am completely at a loss right now.