I am wondering when this fight will end. The fight for normalcy, the longing for the things that bring you life. The world is so grey, so full of heartbreak. Is this what God calls us to? Does He allow us to get completely broken so we are perfected for heaven?
Five days ago, a storm hit my body, one which was difficult to recover from. I was already struggling with enormous fatigue, but on Sunday night, I could feel the decline setting in and by Monday morning, I could not get out of bed. I spent the next 3 days staring at the ceiling, wondering what I did to my body to make it hate me so much. Makes one wish that we had cable TV (as it gets boring counting the dots on the ceiling).
Today, I made myself get dressed and push through my day. I was walking down the grocery isle today, when all off a sudden I had an urge to just flop down on the floor and give up -- just start wailing, crying and say "ENOUGH .. I CAN'T TAKE ANYMORE". I'm sure the grocery clerks would thank me if they had known what was rolling around in my head and that I didn't follow through with it. I continued to drag one foot in front of the other and instead choked down my tears. How long Lord? Is this what the rest of my life will be -- a continued degredation of my health?
I can honestly say that I hate summer. Rainy, wet weather is what I feel at home in. You see, with summer, comes increased activity -- and it's this activity that I'm somehow cursed to avoid. I am forced to watch from the sidelines, when what I so desperately want is to be a participant. My boys remembered a long time ago when some friends of ours and our family played (light) hockey on our driveway. It was a fun and rousing game! They proceeded to tell me today how sad they were that I can't play with them anymore. They wish that God would heal me so I could play hockey, and tennis, and swim (and the list goes on) with them. Oh how my heart breaks and breaks. My dream growing up was to be a mom -- and one fully involved in their lives. It is so crushing for me to say "I can't" over and over again when they ask if I can play, or go for a walk, or chase them around the house. If I'm to view God as my heavenly Father .. that's a hard one to swallow, for I would NEVER wish such sorrow on any of my children .. even if I knew that down the road they would/could become a better person for their suffering. I just don't see the value. On the other hand, I don't see a value in pampering oneself, but shouldn't it be okay to want some type of relief or normalcy in one's life? I pray and pray for healing, even a little bit would be welcomed -- but I hear nothing. Do I give up? In reading other people's stories of lifelong suffering, it doesn't make me all to hopeful that there is healing out there for me.
I really don't think I was made for this type of suffering. My brother (with parkinson's) seems to have "made it" to the point where he sees suffering as a blessing. I have read books from Joni Eareckson Tada and lately a person who has fought multiple cancers in her lifetime and still don't know how to get to a place where "suffering is good". I struggle so greatly with God's love for me. I feel abandoned. I wonder why he let me have these desires in my heart to love and play with my children, a love for being active and a multitude of other desires of my heart that are broken. That's it -- I am just broken. I cannot seem to get to a place of healing, to become "unbroken". I feel no joy. I feel no peace. I go through the motions day after day, praying for some resolution of my struggle with this disease, for some hope, but things just continue to decline. Will God be forever silent to me? Must this be a journey of constant trust that He is God and I must just struggle through my existence to the end? That is what I do not think I can do, at least with grace. I am broken.
I constantly try to focus on the blessings of my life, and push away the hurts of "I wish you could play with me", yet everywhere I go, I see people doing normal things that I know they take for granted. I find that I do not have the strength to fight the brokenness .. I am so tired of laying in bed, so tired of having to let my family do most of the work. I am not wanting to be a burden.
I'm in the process of researching the cost of copaxone - not really relishing having to give myself needles daily the rest of my life, but I don't know what else to do if God doesn't show up. Also, I'm going to see if my doc will prescribe LDN ... and see if that helps with my fatigue.
Once again, forgive me for my style of music -- it expresses the turmoil within. (I'm sorry, but country music just wouldn't fit hehe .. Feel free to just read the lyrics without the music, but for me, it just isn't the same). This song, for me, talks of the battle that I feel with giving up vs. pressing on, with mourning all my losses and fighting against the constant thoughts of "I just can't do this anymore". I am so thankful for my wonderful children.. without them, this road would be much more difficult. (PS .. my hubby thinks this writing sounds suicidal. I assure you, I am not. I just feel I am in a place devoid of hope.)
RED - "Fight Inside"
Five days ago, a storm hit my body, one which was difficult to recover from. I was already struggling with enormous fatigue, but on Sunday night, I could feel the decline setting in and by Monday morning, I could not get out of bed. I spent the next 3 days staring at the ceiling, wondering what I did to my body to make it hate me so much. Makes one wish that we had cable TV (as it gets boring counting the dots on the ceiling).
Today, I made myself get dressed and push through my day. I was walking down the grocery isle today, when all off a sudden I had an urge to just flop down on the floor and give up -- just start wailing, crying and say "ENOUGH .. I CAN'T TAKE ANYMORE". I'm sure the grocery clerks would thank me if they had known what was rolling around in my head and that I didn't follow through with it. I continued to drag one foot in front of the other and instead choked down my tears. How long Lord? Is this what the rest of my life will be -- a continued degredation of my health?
I can honestly say that I hate summer. Rainy, wet weather is what I feel at home in. You see, with summer, comes increased activity -- and it's this activity that I'm somehow cursed to avoid. I am forced to watch from the sidelines, when what I so desperately want is to be a participant. My boys remembered a long time ago when some friends of ours and our family played (light) hockey on our driveway. It was a fun and rousing game! They proceeded to tell me today how sad they were that I can't play with them anymore. They wish that God would heal me so I could play hockey, and tennis, and swim (and the list goes on) with them. Oh how my heart breaks and breaks. My dream growing up was to be a mom -- and one fully involved in their lives. It is so crushing for me to say "I can't" over and over again when they ask if I can play, or go for a walk, or chase them around the house. If I'm to view God as my heavenly Father .. that's a hard one to swallow, for I would NEVER wish such sorrow on any of my children .. even if I knew that down the road they would/could become a better person for their suffering. I just don't see the value. On the other hand, I don't see a value in pampering oneself, but shouldn't it be okay to want some type of relief or normalcy in one's life? I pray and pray for healing, even a little bit would be welcomed -- but I hear nothing. Do I give up? In reading other people's stories of lifelong suffering, it doesn't make me all to hopeful that there is healing out there for me.
I really don't think I was made for this type of suffering. My brother (with parkinson's) seems to have "made it" to the point where he sees suffering as a blessing. I have read books from Joni Eareckson Tada and lately a person who has fought multiple cancers in her lifetime and still don't know how to get to a place where "suffering is good". I struggle so greatly with God's love for me. I feel abandoned. I wonder why he let me have these desires in my heart to love and play with my children, a love for being active and a multitude of other desires of my heart that are broken. That's it -- I am just broken. I cannot seem to get to a place of healing, to become "unbroken". I feel no joy. I feel no peace. I go through the motions day after day, praying for some resolution of my struggle with this disease, for some hope, but things just continue to decline. Will God be forever silent to me? Must this be a journey of constant trust that He is God and I must just struggle through my existence to the end? That is what I do not think I can do, at least with grace. I am broken.
I constantly try to focus on the blessings of my life, and push away the hurts of "I wish you could play with me", yet everywhere I go, I see people doing normal things that I know they take for granted. I find that I do not have the strength to fight the brokenness .. I am so tired of laying in bed, so tired of having to let my family do most of the work. I am not wanting to be a burden.
I'm in the process of researching the cost of copaxone - not really relishing having to give myself needles daily the rest of my life, but I don't know what else to do if God doesn't show up. Also, I'm going to see if my doc will prescribe LDN ... and see if that helps with my fatigue.
Once again, forgive me for my style of music -- it expresses the turmoil within. (I'm sorry, but country music just wouldn't fit hehe .. Feel free to just read the lyrics without the music, but for me, it just isn't the same). This song, for me, talks of the battle that I feel with giving up vs. pressing on, with mourning all my losses and fighting against the constant thoughts of "I just can't do this anymore". I am so thankful for my wonderful children.. without them, this road would be much more difficult. (PS .. my hubby thinks this writing sounds suicidal. I assure you, I am not. I just feel I am in a place devoid of hope.)
RED - "Fight Inside"
Enemy, familiar friend,
My beginning and my end,
Knowing truth, whispering lies,
And it hurts again.
What I fear and what I try,
Words I say and what I heard,
All the pain, I want it to end,
But I want it again.
And it finds me,
The fight inside is coarsing through my veins,
And it's raging,
The fight inside is breaking me again.
It's still the same, pursuing pain,
Isn't worth the lie I've gained.
We both know how this will end,
But I do it again.
And it finds me,
The fight inside is coarsing through my veins.
And it's raging,
The fight inside is hurting me again.
And it finds me,
The war within me pulls me under.
And without You,
The fight inside is breaking me again.
It's nothing.
It's everything.
It's breaking me.
I'm falling apart.
