Never a dull moment in this house. Last night, while doing some prep-work on a school assignment for Daniel, I had a sharp pain in my eye. I thought it was a good idea at that point to take my contact lenses out. Something realllllly hurt in my right eye, yet I couldn't see anything. My lens didn't have any tears or breaks, so I couldn't figure out what it would be. I decided that whatever it was would work its way out overnight, and went to sleep.

I awoke at 6am from a sleep filled with discomfort, only to realize that my right eye was in a lot of pain at this point. I decided at that point it was probably the best idea to drive myself (with one eye watering the ground as I walked) to Emergency a block away to get myself checked before Kirk went to work. Besides, everyone was sleeping -- this was the best time. It took until 7am to be seen, but they discovered two small corneal abrasions, thus explaining the pain. The inside of my upper eyelid was also very inflamed. I was given some numbing drops for the pain if it got too severe and some antibiotic drops.

I have to drive to UBC today for a dental appointment (one of many) for my son Ryan, so getting this taken care of ASAP was important. I'm still not sure how the driving will go as my eye is very painful and it's hard to keep it open, but I suppose the numbing drops will do the trick to keep me from feeling it for about an hour at a time -- just enough time to get from Abbotsford to Vancouver.

On the way out the door from Emergency, I was enveloped by the cool and refreshing air of the morning -- my favorite time of day. I absolutely love being out early in the morning, before many people are up -- experiencing the cool weather and quietness of the day. It was then my inspiration took hold .. GO AND GET A STARBUCKS COFFEE in the hospital lobby! Yes, inspired indeed! I grabbed myself the decaf (yes, I know... "what's the point?") Americano for myself and the strong coffee of the day for Kirk and got home by 7:40am. I'm sure I looked rather curious (or scary?) with one eye closed and weeping everywhere (the irritation causes it to constantly water). That's okay.. for upon the first sip of that glorious beverage, I decided it really wasn't all that important to see what I was drinking -- as long as I could taste it :)

A friend sent this to me today.. thanks Mandy!!




It was the day the world went wrong
I screamed til my voice was gone
And watched through the tears as everything
came crashing down
Slowly panic turns to pain
As we awake to what remains
and sift through the ashes that are left
behind

But buried deep beneath
All our broken dreams
we have this hope:

Out of these ashes... beauty will rise
and we will dance among the ruins
We will see Him with our own eyes
Out of these ashes... beauty will rise
For we know, joy is coming in the morning...
in the morning, beauty will rise

So take another breath for now,
and let the tears come washing down,
and if you can't believe I will believe
for you.

Cuz I have seen
the signs of spring!
Just watch and see:

Out of these ashes... beauty will rise
and we will dance among the ruins
We will see Him with our own eyes
Out of these ashes... beauty will rise
For we know, joy is coming in the morning...
in the morning...

I can hear it in the distance
and it's not too far away.

It's the music and the laughter
of a wedding and a feast.
I can almost feel the hand of God
reaching for my face
to wipe the tears away, and say,
"It's time to make everything new."

"Make it all new"

This is our hope.
This is the promise.
This is our hope.
This is the promise.
That it would take our breath away
to see the beauty that's been made
out of the ashes...
out of the ashes...
That it would take our breath away
to see the beauty that He's made
out of the ashes...
out of the ashes...

Out of these ashes... beauty will rise
and we will dance among the ruins
We will see Him with our own eyes
Out of this darkness... new life will shine
and we'll know the joy is coming in the morning...
in the morning...beauty will rise!

Oh, Beauty will rise
Oh, Beauty will rise
Oh, oh, oh, Beauty will rise
Oh, oh, oh, Beauty will rise
Oh, oh, oh, Beauty will rise

I would love my life to be easy - predictable - without effort.  When I got married, I thought AHA .. this is it .. the zen.. the end of the struggle.  I now can continue on with my life into happiness and peace and tranquility.  How I was wrong!  I would have to say that the easiest portion of my life was before I was married.  Within our first year of marriage, it revolved around a house fire and a multitude of lung collapses for me.  What a way to start my "fairy tale" dream of happily ever after!   It has been a definite laying down of dreams from that point on.  After numerous lung procedures, I had to learn to cut back on my daily hour-long HARD bike rides.   Hmm.. no more POWER Dawna.   Ok, I can do this.  But could I?  After my first son was born, I was then diagnosed with a myriad of illnesses, from Irritable Bowel Syndrome, to Chronic Fatigue and Fibromyalgia.   Life was definitely getting tougher and not on the happy road I had envisioned.  Marriage was tough too.  No doubt with all the hard times that were happening in our home.  Our newborn son pretty much screamed the first two years of his life and no one told him that napping was something that babies did.  (He was a premature colicky baby).  But I digress too much.

What I am trying to get at is that I've had a slow process of cutting things out of my life over the last 20 years.  It wasn't a harsh 'all of a sudden' paralysis like being placed in a wheel chair, but rather a slow (and sometimes torturous) peeling away of things I hold dear.  Over the years, it seems more and more physical abilities have been taken away.  Little did we know that MS held the key to that so long ago.

Through all those years of pain, both emotional and physical, as well as marital strain, somehow I end up here -- still full of emotional and physical struggle, yet coming out with a stronger marriage.  I am very thankful for that. At least ONE good thing!  But it is a day to day process .. one can never relax and say GOOD .. now I can stop working on that. No, I am learning that in every area of your life (for your entire life) you need to keep working.  There is no "happily every after" -- at least on this earth.


I have recently joined a ladies' prayer group.  This is something that was a huge step for me -- for many reasons.   One, I've always had issues with prayer -- or I probably should say "insecurities".  Two, I always grew up relating to guys much better than girls, and so never really had many female friends.   I knew, when I was asked to join, that this was something I had to press myself to do.  I would not let myself say at the end of my life, that I gave up on something that might have produced in me more character, even though it scared me to death.   I must say, the anxiety that wells up within me before each week we meet is not too pleasant, yet I have lately come to realize the source of this anxiety.

For my entire childhood, I have been very insecure.  I was very skinny as a child and often mocked.  I was often made fun of for many reasons.  I don't remember ever having more than one friend at any given time.  I was more a loner... all the way through high school.   I always knew I was insecure, but lately I've realized that it has become more of a talent, so much so, that I've been believing it is my ONLY talent (to be insecure).  Oh how Satan has lied to me all these years, and I've believed him.  Yet, even as I write that, all the voices in my head still say, "that's because it's true.  You have no value, you are stupid.  You are ugly.  You have nothing to stay.  You do talk too much and no one really wants to listen to you anyway.  You have nothing of value to give to anyone.  If you were gone -- no one would notice." The list goes on and on.  Why have I believed that all these years?  It is amazing the power of those thoughts.  I know they hold power because there are tears as I write this.  I feel like a little child cowering in the corner.  How does one break those thoughts?  I think the first step is to become aware of them.  Once you are aware that they aren't from God, you CAN fight against them .. but it will be a fight.  It's all I know.  It's who I've become.  I am so thankful for this group of women that have accepted me and let me "dump" all my fears and insecurities on them.  It is a big fight for me to not run away and feel like I don't belong -- like I'm the outsider who cannot bring anything of value.  I will fight.  I need to instill in my children that they have value because God made them special, just the way they are... how can I do that if I don't believe it myself.  I WILL FIGHT!

I ran into a few songs today that have spoken to this subject in my heart.  Both are from RED.  (Yes the ROCKER continues to live within me .. I don't think that will ever change)

First .. .  Death of Me and secondly Let Go.


Here is an excerpt on Death of Me and it's meaning:

In “Death of Me,” the band steps inside the throes of conflict as an emotionally wounded Michael Barnes laments, “You tear me down and then you pick me up/You take it all and still it’s not enough.” However, the unexpected twist behind the meaning of the lyrics is that YOU are the ‘you’ in the song. “The song is really a regretful introspective moment, where you realize that your own actions have led you down a path you never wanted to take,” says guitarist Anthony Armstrong. “You are the one who keeps tearing yourself down in some kind of vicious cycle that never seems to end.”

(feel free to MUTE and just read the lyrics .. but honestly? it's just not as good!  tee hee hee)




One day at a time..