I have felt pretty horrible the past few days. Mix that with a 7 year old that develops a stomach bug for two days .. and not making it to the bathroom in time, and you have lots of fun cleanup with a pounding head. I just can't seem to shake this tension headache, and it causes such pain in my neck/head and achiness and nausea, that my Christmas has pretty much been a write-off. All the traditions I normally did with my kids went out the window. How depressing.

I sent the fam to the Christmas family get together today on their own. It's been a quiet day, other than the ringing in my head. My first Christmas alone.

Hoping the rest of the holiday will improve and I will be able to enjoy some time with my family. I was hoping to at least get over to Starbucks for our Christmas morning coffee & hot chocolates, but didn't manage that either.

A year hasn't gone by in the past 20 years when we have skipped making Christmas cookies together. Years ago, it was my mom making cookies with me and Jordan, then it was transferred to me, every December, baking and decorating cookies together. Always a huge mess, but a big memory. This year, I can't see how I can pull it off. I just don't have the energy. It's really sad, as I had so much time this December to get it done, but it seems my body just doesn't want to let me.

Perhaps it was just the tension and stress of having all the kids in casts or the hospital .. maybe this is finally my body saying "enough" and giving up.

It started on Sunday night, when I was just laying down on the couch watching a movie with Jordan, I felt my body start to drain. I went to bed early at 9:30pm, knowing I'd be in for a long night. I didn't sleep the entire night, my body feeling very foreign and much like my insides were a giant balloon being blown up so much that I was going to explode.

The next day, Saturday, was pretty much a write-off with huge pressure at the back of my head. I continued on as much as I could, but by Tuesday afternoon, it was so intense that I decided to go to a walk-in clinic. Unfortunately, the wait there was almost three hours long, so I decided to go to Emerg at 4pm. The wait there was fairly substantial as well, but by 6:30pm, I had seen the doc and he ordered a series of x-rays and a ct of my head to rule out anything sinister. Thankfully, they saw nothing on the scans, and he really didn't know what to suggest, other than perhaps a tension headache gone crazy. They gave me two T3s and 600 of Ibuprofen for the pain, which took it down about 50%. I finally got home just before 10pm and had a fairly decent sleep considering. I didn't take any more pain meds until 10:30am .. so I am hoping I didn't wait too long, as it's starting to feel a bit crazy again.

I'm sad that this Christmas seems to be a write-off for the things I wanted to do to create memories, but I guess I'll just have to resolve to make "New Years" cookies this year :)

Last Year's Gingerbread Man Decorating:

My body is definitely in a downward spiral. Yesterday I could feel myself sinking, and by evening, it was getting worse. I spent the night in a fitful sleep, feeling the pain within my body and it keeping me from getting into that deep sleep which is so essential. My left arm has been plagued for a month with intense nerve pain, like a sharp twinge up and down the skin that makes it feel itching from hell -- but no amount of scratching even touches it. I woke up realizing today would be another challenge to fulfill my daily tasks.

I'm in that spot of "do I cry .. or do I go into robot mode and just keep going?". All of this reminds me of when my mom would lay in bed for days. I would be so frustrated that she was not able to contribute to life.. frustrated that I had lost my mom to that unseen attacker that would keep her from me for days. And here I am -- repeating history for my children, only I'm doing it 20 years earlier than my mom was. I am angry, I am frustrated, I am so sad that I feel like I'm stuck in this prison. I so want to enjoy getting ready for Christmas. I want to bake cookies and bring them to my neighbors. Yet here I sit in my bed, unable to muster up enough energy and strength to even feed my kids breakfast (thank goodness for cereal on days like these).

I hear of stories of people with immense strength, courage to keep plugging forward and seem to rise to the occasion .. it makes me wonder if I've been given all this by mistake. I don't have what it takes to be strong amidst all of this. It's such a drain on my family.

I see my neurologist tomorrow to just give him an update on all that is happening with me. Pretty sure he can't do anything about it, but it's something to note in my chart.

School reporting today which went well. I had some apologies for all the work we did NOT do because of me being in the hospital with Jordan for so many weeks.

I have a realllly itchy left arm.. driving me crazy. Feeling very very tired. I think I'm fighting a complete crash.. I don't know if I can keep it away....

Drove in to UBC for dental appointments for the little kids. Julianna of course, freaked out and wouldn't let them actually check her, Ryan has more cavities and Daniel needs another crown.. oh joy.

Jordan was stubborn enough to want to still go to our scheduled Britannia Mine excursion we had planned back in the summer.


He did remarkably well walking around the mine but tired out after about 2 hours. Not bad! Stayed in Squamish overnight at a hotel (Groupon purchase) and that was nice to relax after our long day of travel and walking. Made a nice steak dinner for the fam .. hoping to put some fat back on Jordan!! The little kids got to swim in the pool and Jordan spent more time in the room catching up on his studies.

Jordan is doing better as he has rested for a few days now. Seems to have “turned the corner” and dropped his low-grade fever and is on the mend. So happy about that! Still moving slowly and carefully. Great that he could have this weekend to just lay low and mend.

Jordan is having his job interview today and going to his last Stats class to help clear up some of the missing pieces from his time in the hospital. Finally got our Christmas cards and pix sent out in the mail today, even though they’ve been sitting around since mid-November. So much for being organized and prepared!

Went to the the city’s Christmas tree lighting celebration .. Jordan stayed home as there is no way he’d be able to walk around that much. It was fun for the kids!

We did a few comprises .. he postponed his job interview for Monday (the 9:30am meeting) and skipped the class in the middle, so he’s taking one class this morning, back home for a rest and then back for 2:30-4pm - much better! (yet he’s still fairly wiped).

Still has fever.. am keeping the house cool. Tells me he is going to go to attend his last day of classes tomorrow. He is NOT well enough to do that .. (9:30am until 4pm) with no break between the classes. Not a smart move as he is still fairly weak.