I recall after lung surgery in 1998, being driven home from the hospital, seeing people in the cars beside me laughing and going on like nothing was the matter. It was a bizarre moment for me, realizing that life speeds by irregardless of your pain. Today, I find myself in the same place as I lay here in bed again .. watching the world continue to follow its routine. I want to scream STOP..WAIT FOR ME! I want to play with my kids again. I see people jog down the street and suddenly the simplest of things are like candy. A simple walk down the street, chasing after your kids in the park, even housecleaning! All are things which elude me at the moment and I wonder if I will ever see them again.

I just finished a high-dose prednisone treatment a few days ago, so I don't know if it's the prednisone making me feel so weak and spacey, or if it's just the continued MS attack that started on April 1st. I really hope it's the prednisone and that tomorrow might be different. It's been a month of feeling really horrible so it's hard to imagine that things will get better, but I want to hope they can.

At least I have my May 20th Poland date. That is something that can give me hope for a better future. If that fails to improve my physical state... well I just can't go there right now.

For now, I continue to lay here, and pray that God will have mercy on me and rescue me from this pit, not only me, but the rest of my family. This has has been very hard on all of us. But as it stands today, I just can't let myself think about tomorrow and what it may or may not bring .. I just don't have the emotional energy to cope with the unknown.

I thank the Lord for a little girl who is content to just lay beside her mom all day and play with her toys, cuddle and say "you're my special mama".