Dawna Austin
Well, I didn't make it to church yet again. Woke up feeling drained. I've been like that the past few days, where I have a few hours at a time when my body completely crashes. My hands are ice cold again. Not sure why that seems to fluctuate.

Injecting is going better than I thought  it would, but definitely no walk in the park.  I have to inject Copaxone daily, and for about 15-30 minutes after, it feels like a bad bee sting which swells up as well.  Then comes the bruising.  I figure after I keep this going for awhile, the kids will be able to play "connect the bruises" all over my body.  It's hard to swallow that I'll be doing this to myself the rest of my life.  The interesting part is that I may not see any benefit either.  It's one of those meds that *might* help to slow down progression of the disease over the course of your lifetime, but it might not. You just have to wait to find out. Even then, you have nothing to really compare it to, because you don't have that twin (that didn't take Copaxone) walking beside you.  It's something you have to do in faith.   The ONLY reason I'm following through with this is because I knew we couldn't afford the $1500 bill per month for this drug.  I asked the Lord that if He wanted me to use this drug, then I would find a way to pay for it.  We applied for financial assistance from the Copaxone Assistance Program, and they approved it. So, this is now all paid for.  I guess I got my answer.

A friend of mine is also starting to take Copaxone, and she said the exact same thing that I said to my husband after starting to take it.  I told my hubby, "it's like I feel defeated, that taking the injections is a way of me saying 'I give up, MS you win'..."   That's a hard one to swallow.  You fight and fight and do all that you can to make your body as healthy as it can be.. supplements, exercise, etc.  But when all else fails, and God doesn't heal you, where does that leave you?   It leaves me here, as a 'slave' if you will, to a life I didn't ever dream I would have.  Depression is definitely always knocking on my door.

Today is a sunny day.  Maybe I can muster up enough energy to go outside and play a bit with the kids.  I need to focus on something positive.   Wouldn't it be nice to just take the fam and spend a month in Hawaii?  I'm sure that would be not only food for the soul but for the body as well.  Lately I've been (day) dreaming of how nice it would be to live on some land where the kids can go out and play in the "back 40" .. where I can look out at nature and feel the peacefulness of it (instead of the continuous year-long road construction on my street).  I think I'm just missing spending time on my brother's property... it's almost like heaven there :)

I've had some fun comments from friends of mine who don't seem to share my affinity for "hard" music. (My husband is one of my greatest critics for my choice of music).   There is one song by RED that always speaks to my soul.. it screams (literally) how I am feeling inside.   It's like David in the Psalms that cries out to God from  his heart, this song makes my heart well up and cry out to God for his mercy.

This is the "acoustic" version which I just ran across on the web yesterday, and it made me smile, knowing that maybe my friends would be able to stomach this version a little bit better.  Dear hubby, and my closest friends (you know who you are), this is for you:



Lyrics:
And this is how it feels when I ignore the words you spoke to me
And this is where I lose myself when I keep running away from you
And this is who I am when, when I don't know myself anymore
And this is what I choose when it's all left up to me

Breathe your life into me
I can feel you
I'm falling, falling faster
Breathe your life into me
I still need you
I'm falling, falling
Breathe into me
Breathe into me

And this is how it looks when I am standing on the edge
And this is how I break apart when I finally hit the ground
And this is how it hurts when I pretend I don't feel any pain
And this is how I disappear when I throw myself away

Breathe your life into me
I can feel you
I'm falling, falling faster
Breathe your life into me
I still need you
I'm falling, falling
Breathe into me
Breathe into me
Breathe into me
Breathe into me
(I am yours)
Breathe your life into me
Carry me home to you

Breathe your life into me
I can feel you
I'm falling, falling faster
Breathe your life into me
I still need you
I'm falling, falling
Breathe into me

Breathe your life into me
I'm falling, falling faster
Breathe your life into me
falling, falling, falling
Breathe into me
Breathe into me
Breathe into me
Breathe into me
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