Dawna Austin
What is it that pushes athletes in a marathon to complete the race?
How do those with cancer keep fighting to the very end? 
Where does the resolve to persevere "no matter what" come from?
Can it be produced by man .. or does it come from God?

I am convinced that there are those out there born with greater resolve to "endure".    I am still struggling to become one of those people, but to me, it is a constant battle.   There are many lies which I have grown up listening to, insecurities, which tell me I can't make it, God doesn't really care about you, you are insignificant, you are alone & abandoned.  I don't know where those originated, but I struggle with those daily.  Sometimes I recognize the lies and stand my ground, but other times, like tonight, I just don't have the resolve to do anything but cry.

I was late in getting home tonight and for my injection at the back of the arm, I need Kirk to do it.  So it wasn't until 10:30 pm that I was able to get my shot done.  Fine for me, as it's not something that I want to do, so delaying it a few hours is a nice break.   It seems that as time goes on, with more "injections" tacked onto my resume, the pain following each shot increases.  I am not sure whether I feel more pain than normal due to the lack of fat on my body (I am told this can make the injections more difficult/painful) or whether everyone feels this much pain.   Seconds after the copaxone shot infiltrated my arm, the pain was excruciating.   The ice pack didn't help.  I sad down and just started to cry.   Everything within me wants to just give up.  I hear in my head 'how can you do this to yourself the rest of your life?  You are basically writing off an hour of your day to intense pain, followed by bruising and sore spots for days/weeks after that spot is injected.   This is too hard.  Give up".    I think it was sometime in 1990, when I was having lung collapses and certain procedures done to my lungs to try to plug the holes in my lung, that I felt the first "I give up, I just want to die" due to intense pain.   Childbirth was like buying candy in a candy store compared to this procedure.   Ever since then, it seemed I not longer had any ability to withstand pain.  I would stub my toe and cry, feeling that same draining of all ability to cope.   To this day, I just don't seem to have the reserves built up to fight against prolonged pain.  Mind you, the years since that first procedure have all been physically difficult (with the exception of a few years where things were okay), so I'm not entirely sure if  I would  have been able to achieve a skill of "endurance" by this point.  

I want God to heal me tonight -- to take away this horrible sentence of pain each day (needles) on top of the pain that is already there (MS).   It seems surreal to me that the medical community cannot come up with something that will make MSers' lives easier, rather than making it more difficult.   I guess I just need to find a way to recharge my emotional batteries, some way to fight against all the pain that comes my way -- a resolve to fight "no matter what".  I need to find the motivation and the courage to endure.  Seems an impossible task from where I sit right now.  I know this is something that only God can do.
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  1. Anonymous Says:

    I'm so sorry you are going through this difficult time.
    After 5+ years of Copaxone and betaseron,and much praying,I asked our precious Lord to take care of me, I could no longer tolerate the injections.It's been approx.3yrs.
    since my last. A very personal decision, but a huge weight has been lifted, thank you Jesus.
    There is a video on youtube,"CCSVI and the obvious" with Dr. Ashton Embry, very informative.
    I'm "flooding the gates" with prayer for you and all with ms.
    Rejoice always. Pray without ceasing. In all circumstances give thanks,...
    1 Thessalonians 5:16-18
    God bless!!