Wow.. what a LONG night!  Julianna took the stage tonight, waking up almost every half hour.  I have NO idea what kept her sleeping so lightly, but perhaps the strong winds were keeping her awake. Finally by 2am I said to her, "Julianna, if you keep waking me up, I'm going to get more sick". She followed with, "Oh, I'm sorry, I won't call you anymore".  And that was that.  She was happy, and slept the rest of the night.  Me?  Not so much.  The winds were VERY strong, and something outside my window kept banging on the house. It sounded like some piece of metal, like a lid to a metal box slamming shut. I figured it must be on the roof and as it kept banging every other minute, I finally decided by 5am to listen intently as to where this sound was coming from.  I wasn't sleeping anyway (because of this loud, intermittent noise).  I still couldn't quite get a fix as to where it was coming from, so I decided to open my bedroom window, take off the screen and stick my head out the window (probably 6am by this time).  Low and behold, right outside my window was a loose bracket for a drainpipe, only nailed in on one end so the other was not fixed to the wall. If a gust of wind came that was strong enough, it would lift off the bracket and bang it against the house.  If ONLY I had figured that out 6 hours earlier I would have had some sleep!

It's amazing the "fake" energy that prednisone can give a person, for even after 2 nights of no sleep, I managed fairly well the entire day without getting too tired.

The day started with getting the boys ready for German School, after which Julianna, Kirk, Jordan & I went to A&W for a breakfast treat from Jordan.  (thanks Jordan!)   Believe it or not, the line-up was almost out the door at this place!   We all had a nice plate of easy-over eggs, two pieces of bacon and whole wheat toast (Julianna managed to scarf much of everyone's toast .. somehow without us noticing).  It was a relaxing breaky followed by a trip to the GAP to try to find Jordan a jacket.   We spent too much time looking at everything because of the 40% off sale and realized that it was nearing 11am (my next IV appointment time).  This left us without enough time to get home, so they just dropped me off at the hospital on their way home.  Without going home, I wasn't able to bring my normal bottle of water.  What to do, what to do.  Hmm.. one does pass by the Starbucks in the lobby on the way to the third floor general daycare.  Yes, I heard the coffee frappaccino call my name.  Unfortunately, I forgot to ask for it in decaf!! 


My IV site wasn't liking me much today, so at the end of the treatment I asked her to take it out, and I'll have another one lovingly inserted just for tomorrow.  A bit of a bonus though as I can shower tomorrow morning without having to cover my arm in plastic bags to keep the IV dry.   My symptoms today have been again, the metal taste, followed by an interesting session of skipping some heart beats.  That's always an interesting adventure .. mind you, that could have been caused by the caffeine too ;)

Being dropped off, I got to walk home, yes, uphill.  I think the build up of prednisone has gotten to me.  I walked home (at a fairly decent speed woo hoo!), followed by weeding and other gardening in the backyard, errands to several different stores, renewing the insurance on our utility trailer and a bunch of other "in home" things that needed to be taken care of and organized.   Where did this energizer bunny come from.  Wouldn't that be nice if it lasted.  I know it's a "false" energy level, because one does not feel this after not sleeping for two nights. I have to make sure I'm careful to not get run down and sick.   So, I'll write this and get to bed hopefully before midnight, and maybe SLEEP!!

During my time today in the IV chair, I ran across something in that book I'm reading, and I thought I would share its insights with you.  It states that hope is built into our being, yet asks the reader why we do not feel hopeful .. why do we rather feel despair.

I think your hope is still there, but you've fallen for the fallacy of false hope ... you may have been hoping for something instead of hoping for someone.  Hoping for something will almost always disappoint.  Hoping in God will always move toward something good, even if we can't see it.  It's in that vein that the book of James urges us ...

My brothers and sisters when you have many kinds of troubles, you should be full of joy, because you know that these troubles test your faith, and this will give you patience.  Let your patience show itself perfectly in what you do.  Then you will be perfect and complete and will have everything you need.  (James 1:2-4)

"You should be full of joy," James tell us.  Be full of joy when you face difficult times. Be full of joy when a dream dissipates or a desire is crushed.  And why?  Because you're about to be freed from a false hope and redirected toward a true hope.

That's what our difficulties can do for us if we let them.  That's what our painful times of waiting for God to act can do.  They can deliver us from our delusions, our misguided expectations, our egotistical dreams, and deliver us into the actual presence of the God who is our only true hope.  They can teach us the patience and trust to let God change us the way he needs to change us.  Rest in Him while you are waiting, and let Him be your hope.

I read that today, and it triggered with me as truth, but yet almost from a different world. In a sense, it is from a different world, at least when it comes to how my mind operates.  It seems such a foreign concept, to take my fears, hopes and dreams and separate them from the core of who I am, hand them over to God and let Him guide them.   I was always under the impression that hopes and dreams were sometimes things that He had given us, that they were a gift to us -- helping define who we were.  What if deep-felt dreams and heart desires, while still good, weren't something we were to seek after?  What if I'm putting too much focus on that, instead of seeking what He wants from me?  Lots to digest.  At the same time, though, in seeking Him, how am I going to definitively know what He wants for me? (Another of my life-long questions).

Too much to fully ponder tonight, that's if I want to get to bed before midnight!  So I'll leave you with that, letting you know the new questions I'm letting stir within me. I hope to make sense of them, and perhaps come out in a positive direction to where He really wants me to be.