My daily injections have migrated from 60 minutes of burning localized pain a day, to swollen areas the size of golf balls that itch like a giant mosquito has devoured you -- 24/7.   My right leg has increasingly been weakening, to the point that walking around the lake is laborsome.   Increased nerve pain in my left arm.  Fighting with loss of hope (what's new?).  Never thought at this age of my life that I would wholeheartedly say "Lord Jesus COME!"

Disciple - 321


Disciple 321 Lyrics:
I'm feeling everything's about to blow
I'm feeling everything's about to blow (Matthew 24:28,33)
321
I'm feeling everything's about to blow
Here He comes, undefeated, undisputed (Revelation 19:11-16)
321

Relentless earth, coming to collect (Hebrews 9:27)
Hidden from the awaited day of rest (Hebrews 4:3)
The feet that swell, walk the memories of late (Genesis 19:26, Luke 9:62)
Wrapped around the heart of a pity masquerade (Matthew 12:34)

Watch out
Get down now
No doubt
321 (Matthew 24:42-44)

The moon has turned to blood (Revelation 6:12)
Baptized in vengeance flame (2 Thessalonians 1:8, Revelation 6:10)
They shake at what's to come (Isaiah 2:19)
When He breaks the seals of pain (Revelation 6:7)

So roll back the prison bars (Isaiah 61:1-2, Luke 4:18-19)
For charity not fame (1 Corinthians 13:3; 14:1)
Till the streets will overrun (Zechariah 8:4-5)
With the tongues that shout the name (Philippians 2:11)

What is it that pushes athletes in a marathon to complete the race?
How do those with cancer keep fighting to the very end? 
Where does the resolve to persevere "no matter what" come from?
Can it be produced by man .. or does it come from God?

I am convinced that there are those out there born with greater resolve to "endure".    I am still struggling to become one of those people, but to me, it is a constant battle.   There are many lies which I have grown up listening to, insecurities, which tell me I can't make it, God doesn't really care about you, you are insignificant, you are alone & abandoned.  I don't know where those originated, but I struggle with those daily.  Sometimes I recognize the lies and stand my ground, but other times, like tonight, I just don't have the resolve to do anything but cry.

I was late in getting home tonight and for my injection at the back of the arm, I need Kirk to do it.  So it wasn't until 10:30 pm that I was able to get my shot done.  Fine for me, as it's not something that I want to do, so delaying it a few hours is a nice break.   It seems that as time goes on, with more "injections" tacked onto my resume, the pain following each shot increases.  I am not sure whether I feel more pain than normal due to the lack of fat on my body (I am told this can make the injections more difficult/painful) or whether everyone feels this much pain.   Seconds after the copaxone shot infiltrated my arm, the pain was excruciating.   The ice pack didn't help.  I sad down and just started to cry.   Everything within me wants to just give up.  I hear in my head 'how can you do this to yourself the rest of your life?  You are basically writing off an hour of your day to intense pain, followed by bruising and sore spots for days/weeks after that spot is injected.   This is too hard.  Give up".    I think it was sometime in 1990, when I was having lung collapses and certain procedures done to my lungs to try to plug the holes in my lung, that I felt the first "I give up, I just want to die" due to intense pain.   Childbirth was like buying candy in a candy store compared to this procedure.   Ever since then, it seemed I not longer had any ability to withstand pain.  I would stub my toe and cry, feeling that same draining of all ability to cope.   To this day, I just don't seem to have the reserves built up to fight against prolonged pain.  Mind you, the years since that first procedure have all been physically difficult (with the exception of a few years where things were okay), so I'm not entirely sure if  I would  have been able to achieve a skill of "endurance" by this point.  

I want God to heal me tonight -- to take away this horrible sentence of pain each day (needles) on top of the pain that is already there (MS).   It seems surreal to me that the medical community cannot come up with something that will make MSers' lives easier, rather than making it more difficult.   I guess I just need to find a way to recharge my emotional batteries, some way to fight against all the pain that comes my way -- a resolve to fight "no matter what".  I need to find the motivation and the courage to endure.  Seems an impossible task from where I sit right now.  I know this is something that only God can do.

http://mervbest.blogspot.com/2011/05/mvi0976avi.html

Well, I didn't make it to church yet again. Woke up feeling drained. I've been like that the past few days, where I have a few hours at a time when my body completely crashes. My hands are ice cold again. Not sure why that seems to fluctuate.

Injecting is going better than I thought  it would, but definitely no walk in the park.  I have to inject Copaxone daily, and for about 15-30 minutes after, it feels like a bad bee sting which swells up as well.  Then comes the bruising.  I figure after I keep this going for awhile, the kids will be able to play "connect the bruises" all over my body.  It's hard to swallow that I'll be doing this to myself the rest of my life.  The interesting part is that I may not see any benefit either.  It's one of those meds that *might* help to slow down progression of the disease over the course of your lifetime, but it might not. You just have to wait to find out. Even then, you have nothing to really compare it to, because you don't have that twin (that didn't take Copaxone) walking beside you.  It's something you have to do in faith.   The ONLY reason I'm following through with this is because I knew we couldn't afford the $1500 bill per month for this drug.  I asked the Lord that if He wanted me to use this drug, then I would find a way to pay for it.  We applied for financial assistance from the Copaxone Assistance Program, and they approved it. So, this is now all paid for.  I guess I got my answer.

A friend of mine is also starting to take Copaxone, and she said the exact same thing that I said to my husband after starting to take it.  I told my hubby, "it's like I feel defeated, that taking the injections is a way of me saying 'I give up, MS you win'..."   That's a hard one to swallow.  You fight and fight and do all that you can to make your body as healthy as it can be.. supplements, exercise, etc.  But when all else fails, and God doesn't heal you, where does that leave you?   It leaves me here, as a 'slave' if you will, to a life I didn't ever dream I would have.  Depression is definitely always knocking on my door.

Today is a sunny day.  Maybe I can muster up enough energy to go outside and play a bit with the kids.  I need to focus on something positive.   Wouldn't it be nice to just take the fam and spend a month in Hawaii?  I'm sure that would be not only food for the soul but for the body as well.  Lately I've been (day) dreaming of how nice it would be to live on some land where the kids can go out and play in the "back 40" .. where I can look out at nature and feel the peacefulness of it (instead of the continuous year-long road construction on my street).  I think I'm just missing spending time on my brother's property... it's almost like heaven there :)

I've had some fun comments from friends of mine who don't seem to share my affinity for "hard" music. (My husband is one of my greatest critics for my choice of music).   There is one song by RED that always speaks to my soul.. it screams (literally) how I am feeling inside.   It's like David in the Psalms that cries out to God from  his heart, this song makes my heart well up and cry out to God for his mercy.

This is the "acoustic" version which I just ran across on the web yesterday, and it made me smile, knowing that maybe my friends would be able to stomach this version a little bit better.  Dear hubby, and my closest friends (you know who you are), this is for you:

Lyrics:
And this is how it feels when I ignore the words you spoke to me
And this is where I lose myself when I keep running away from you
And this is who I am when, when I don't know myself anymore
And this is what I choose when it's all left up to me

Breathe your life into me
I can feel you
I'm falling, falling faster
Breathe your life into me
I still need you
I'm falling, falling
Breathe into me
Breathe into me

And this is how it looks when I am standing on the edge
And this is how I break apart when I finally hit the ground
And this is how it hurts when I pretend I don't feel any pain
And this is how I disappear when I throw myself away

Breathe your life into me
I can feel you
I'm falling, falling faster
Breathe your life into me
I still need you
I'm falling, falling
Breathe into me
Breathe into me
Breathe into me
Breathe into me
(I am yours)
Breathe your life into me
Carry me home to you

Breathe your life into me
I can feel you
I'm falling, falling faster
Breathe your life into me
I still need you
I'm falling, falling
Breathe into me

Breathe your life into me
I'm falling, falling faster
Breathe your life into me
falling, falling, falling
Breathe into me
Breathe into me
Breathe into me
Breathe into me