A month has gone by, and I really had wanted to write down how I felt with my MS symptoms to keep a log, but it has been such an emotional month, I just couldn't do it. I realize now that I still can't look back at that time yet, it's just too raw.

On March 23rd, I found out via ultrasound that I had lost the baby -- there was no heartbeat.  Shortly thereafter,  I went in to the hospital for a D&C.   So, I'm writing this, without even looking back at my previous posts -- I just don't want to go there.

Only a week later, on April 1st on a trip down to visit my brother in the U.S., I started to not feel well. The numbness in my right foot turned into zapping pains, and then my entire body was "electrical" once again. The sensitivity in my limbs has greatly increased to the point now where just touching my right leg is extremely painful. The difference this time around is that I noticed my right knee was extremely weak and I started limping. Long story short -- the limp is still here.

It's been very disheartening to see this degradation of my physical body, in such a short time. My level of energy is close to nothing. Walking around the block would completely wear me out. I just live from moment to moment, as that is all I can really handle. I cannot plan ahead, and have to tell people not to count on me to be places -- I just don't know how I'll feel until moments before. It is difficult to be the mom that I want to be in this body.
I received another date for the procedure in Poland for May 20th. I feel very blessed to have this opportunity. I don't feel excited about it, however. I feel .. nothing. I think I've used up all the emotional energy over the past month and I'm in "survival" mode. It's safer to feel nothing than to deal with constant emotional battles.

I'm currently doing a high-dose prednisone treatment, and I'm on dose #4 out of 5 doses. I take 1250mg every second day. It makes me feel very odd, loopy, achy, heart races, and various other things. I realy hope it's doing what it's supposed to do in shortening this crazy MS attack I'm having. I am walking a little better, which is nicer, so maybe it's doing what it's supposed to do. It's pretty hard on your immune system, however, so I'm supposed to avoid all sick people. A simple cold could spell pneumonia for me... and I don't want to do anything that will jeopardize this May 20th date!

It's lunch time, so I need to go and figure out what to feed the kids. Something normally simple, but which now requires a lot of energy and will drain me for the next few hours.

I so wish I could look a few months down the road, and see a life where I can at least do normal things without expending all energy .. do I dare hope?

Something I read recently, which has sparked some debate in my being ....

Excerpt from "Ruthless Trust", by Brennan Manning.

To be grateful for the good things that happen in our lives is easy, but to be grateful for all of our lives -- the good as well as the bad, the moments of joy as well as the moments of sorrow, the successes as well as the failures, the rewards as well as the rejections -- that requires hard spiritual work. still, we are only grateful people when we can say thank you to all that has brought us to the present moment. As long as we keep dividing our lives between events and people we would like to remember and those we would rather forget, we cannot claim the fullness of our beings as a gift of God to be grateful for. Let's not be afraid to look at everything that has brought us to where we are now and trust that we will soon see it in the guiding hand of a loving God.
Just some notes, in point form for how my symptoms started to degrade.

Thursday April 1st - noticing my MS getting worse, more tingling in  both feet.  By the end of the day, feet are vibrating and in pain.  Left hand is also numb.

Friday April 2nd - pain is worse, have headaches and starting to limp a bit, noticing my right knee is feeling weak. 

Saturday April 3rd - the worst day so far.  It feels like both knees want to give out when I walk and it takes some concentration to walk without letting them buckle.  My right foot is extremely numb and it hurts if I put too much pressure on my toes.  Both feet are burning and zapping and both hands are tingling quite a bit.  Fatigue is quite strong.   Not sleeping well.

Sunday April 4th, feet sensations receeding a bit so they still are tingling but the pain is less.  Noticing my left thumb is extremely numb, and it has never before been that numb.  Walking still a bit difficult.

Monday April 5th.  Feet a little better, but still feeling very hot and numb.  Noticed the numbness in my right leg has now crawled around to the back of my leg as well up to mid-back, with the skin of my back hip area being quite strongly numb as well as my left thumb still quite numb.

Sunday April 11  .. it's been a really hard week.  The tingling/burning sensations have increased to the point if I even touch my legs (because they feel itchy), then they burn for a long time afterward.  It's even bothering me in my left ear.  I've noticed also some weird feeling in my throat which makes me need water.  I've had it before in the past and never figured it out and always thought it was some type of weird allergy. Wondering if it is MS related.  Walking still an issue as my right knee doesn't want to be stable.  My skin continues to 'crawl' nonstop. If I lay down to try to sleep, the pressure on whatever skin I'm laying on make it really itchy and I end up scratching a lot before I can actually fall asleep. Numbness is more severe than last week.  All so very discouraging.   Julianna is throwing up tonight so I won't get much sleep again :(

Wednesday April 14 -I had to take Julianna to emergency this morning (she was asking to go), after being sick for a few days. They have admitted her for the day and maybe overnight. They did blood tests on her and Daniel, but let him go home with Kirk. Julianna was very dehydrated and they wanted to watch her until she got more stable.

Friday April 16 - Finally got Julianna's IV out and she got to go home.  She still isn't eating much, so I have to make sure I watch her fluid intake and try to get her to eat toast and rice.. stuff like that.  I am sooooo tired!