Update on Symptoms:
  • Continued numbness on right side (and left arm)
  • Body feeling constantly achy in the bones
  • Weakness in my legs and especially arms & hands
  • Right leg extremely sensitive to touch
  • Bladder issues continuing
  • Extreme fatigue
  • Tingling throughout my body, much like I'm being poked with tiny needles
  • I cannot bend my arms or legs for more than a few minutes without losing some circulation in them.  ie. if I sleep with my arm bent at the elbow, my hand will become cold.
On the improvement side:
  • Limp is still gone
  • hands still fluctuate between cold and warm

Well, it's been a few weeks now of this fatigue and pain. I'm beginning to think this is my new "normal" -- where I long to just be in bed.  Part of me wants to scream, part of me is complacent and defeated yet another part of me feels like I got ripped off. 

Let me explain.

I am hearing of so many people receiving treatment for CCSVI, and having their azygos vein checked and treated. I am not even sure that mine was looked at!  I felt so great the first week post-treatment, where my left vein was ballooned.  I felt like a gift was given to me, and then taken away.  Is my physical decline just because I was "due" for another MS attack and I will get better down the road?  This is all part of the waiting game.  It is so difficult to just take this one day at a time .. waiting to see if I physically improve.  I have had to stop reading people's stories of their Liberation .. it's just so hard to constantly see people have these miraculous recoveries, while mine seems to have stagnated.   Does treatment of the azygos vein mean the difference between increased recovery and plateaus?  Would I have had greater recovery if my azygos vein had been treated?  I wish I had the answers.   

My sister had angioplasty done for a heart issue, and she told me that post-procedure, her heart still had the same issues as prior to surgery.  She thought that the procedure didn't work, but months later, she no longer struggles with the heart problem that she had before.. the procedure worked!  It took time to heal.   This is what I have to cling to -- that perhaps I need months to heal and that this is just a long recovery road for me.

I find this time of my life to be the most challenging so far emotionally.  People keep telling me that I am such a strong person -- yet inside I feel like a broken person, each day striving for the strength to remain positive and upbeat for my children and others.  (Even my hubby tells me he wishes I would be stronger).  Maybe this is all part of God's plan to perfect my character.  Have you ever prayed, "God, increase my faith, change my character to become more like yours"?   Hmm.. I think I have.  And (jokingly), I sometimes wish I could go back and retract that request!   Seriously however, no one finds character-building easy.  On hard days I wish I could go back to being 4 years old again, a time when things were simple and easy -- a time when mom would bake cookies and cuddle me after I woke up from naps.  My reality, however, is that I have MS.  Some days it feels like a nightmare -- an unbelievable turn of events which I wish I could wake up from.  It is my constant struggle with becoming bitter about my life and the other option of embracing all that the Lord brings my way, with grace and thankfulness.   I pray that I can be a positive witness to my kids to follow the Lord in whatever life brings their way.