Well, it's been a month since that silly fall off my bike, and that day brought on the painful zapping/tingling in my feet and hands, which has not subsided even for a minute.  It often wakes me up at night -- I dream that I'm in pain and wake up realizing, that it's not just a dream, it IS my reality.

Yesterday I woke up feeling like I had the flu, took a Tylenol and waited for some relief.  When no relief came, I knew it was my MS targeting me once again.  I spent the entire day in bed with a heightened pain my body and extreme exhaustion.   Hoping for a better day today, I woke up today and realized that I wasn't better, but rather much worse.  With each breath that I take, the ache (now also in my chest) makes my chest feel like it has to lift  a heavy weight just to breathe.  Somehow I must continue with my day, taking my children to the places they need to go, and somehow function like a normal human does.

I must confess that with each passing week, as I continue to seem to worsen (especially over the past month), I think more and more about whether I should have the procedure redone.  I'm game to do it.. there is a huge issue of finances which blocks that thought.  Is it worth selling your home over?   Is it worth incurring more loans?  At this point my answer is a resounding YES!  This is not a life that I want to deal with every day -- the pain and the lack of function and ability to play with my kids.

My mom once asked me while in a hospital bed, to release her and allow her to die.  I couldn't believe that she had asked me that. .and I told her I couldn't do that.  Looking, back, I see that I was very selfish .. I did not want to lose my mom.  But I also now understand her side of things.  Living in pain day by day is very difficult and it makes you long for heaven, and the things of this world lose their sparkle.

I feel defeated and run down.  I pray that the Lord will grant me the strength to continue for another day, or I suppose I should be focusing right now on "minutes" instead of days.    With each aching breath that I take, I pray that the Lord grants me the ability to treat those around me with kindness and gentleness and to not get lost in self-pity.