Today I find myself back in the emotional struggle. I thought I was doing so well at moving forward, but I guess I was just getting good at suppressing, rather than working through issues. I saw a photo of someone I know who is pregnant, and it brought back all the hurt, the whys, the feelings of loss. So much for suppressing things!

There are so many thoughts which circle through my head. For one, thoughts of frustration and guilt for feeling this way. 'What is my problem' for not snapping out of this quicker. Do I not already have four kids? Should I not be grateful? I should be. And I am. Yet there was a part of me that always longed for one more.. and then again I had successfully suppressed that desire, really thinking it would never come to fruition. Imagine my surprise when it did .. unexpectedly! This battle I have with asking God why He would even let that happen .. why He would awaken that dream within me.. making it true, and then allowing it to be taken away. That is the hurt I struggle with, knowing it may never happen again. It is a struggle of scrambling once again to suppress the hurt so I no longer feel this pain, mixed with the realization that I must face this hurt and try to heal. Both hit each other head on and clash, and I'm lost in a place of hiding and hurting all at the same time.

I so wish this was a fast healing process -- one where I could just get on board with a program and get it done... get on with my life and honestly not hurt over all that's happened. It feels like it's been 2 months of raw emotions, and if I think ahead, I just want to see a future that is different than now.

I keep hearing encouragement from others that it will get better, so I'm trying to believe that for my life. The other day I asked God to show me something, anything that would let me know that I'm not alone in all of this. I turned on the radio and this is the song that was playing:
Do you wonder why you have to
Feel the things that hurt you
If there's a God who loves you where is He now...

Maybe there are things you cant see
And all those things are happening
To bring a better ending

Someday somehow you'll see you'll see

Would you dare would you dare to believe
That you still have a reason to sing
Cause the pain that you've been feeling
It cant compare to the joy that's coming
So hold on you gotta wait for the light
Press on and just fight the good fight
Cause the pain that you've been feeling
Its just the dark before the morning

My friend you know how this all ends
You know where you're going
You just don't know how you'll get there
So say a prayer

And hold on cause there's good for those who love God
But life is not a snapshot
It might take a little time but you'll see the bigger picture

Once you feel the weight of glory
All your pain will fade to memory

Its just the hurt before the healing
Oh the pain that you've been feeling
Its just the dark before the morning

(Josh Wilson, "Before the Morning")
So, I need to just believe that the song was from Him just for me at that moment and pray that each day He heals a little more of the hurt that I feel, and learn to be content whereever He takes me -- even if I never understand why.