I'm in love .. after a few days of what I used to consider "strong Canadian coffee" (which now seems like water to me), I have found my European replacement .. Starbucks cappuccino with two shots of espresso.  Certainly not good for me, but definitely a means to which I can wean myself off of coffee (once again) so I don't have to deal with too heavy a withdrawal!  

What gives people the strength to maintain a positive outlook on life?  I've met many people, that regardless of what life throws their way, their response is always positive.  I've always struggled with fear, not in the neurotic sense, but in the underlying whispers that tell me that things won't turn out okay.  I greatly struggled with fear of "what could happen" when my boys were in the hospital with e.coli, when I was diagnosed with MS, and generally any other time when disasters seem to strike our family.   I find it very difficult to keep my mind from wandering to the "what could be" in the tomorrow.  Staying in the moment is preferable, because often I feel that what is in my future will not be palatable.  After all, this walk that I have had in this life has not been an easy one.   I have learned that I really do not want to know what is around the corner, because it tends to be something character stretching (and right now, I think I want to stop working on my character, thank you!).  But in all seriousness, I still struggle with the letting go of my control of my future, and letting God lead me -- wherever the road is heading.  Easy to do in the romantic idea of faith, but not so easy to walk.

Today, I feel that I have a little more energy, so that is a bonus, but on the other side of things, my hands are becoming cold again.  What?  Weren't they really warm for the past 4 days?  Immediately my insecurity whispers to me that my health is failing again and that any gains were short lived.  Oh I pray for healing .. for a normal physical life.  I watch people as I go through my daily living, and see people jogging, or doing things that I am unable to do, and I wonder if they realize how blessed they are to have abilities that they may take for granted.  I sometimes feel like I'm in a fish bowl, with my hands and nose to the glass, watching the outside world and wishing I could stop being a fish, and become a person on the outside that can do so many things.

Taking one day at a time and being content with today -- definitely a process of learning.  So as I sit here, I have a strange feeling in my left hand, like a cramping in my fingers, twitching in my left shoulder and both hands are quite cold.  How does one choose to say "it's okay" and move on?    Obviously I cannot see tomorrow, so I don't know what all this means.  Secretly I had hoped for greater improvements and quicker.   So I just pray that things will improve and that God will show his favor and allow my body to heal, as others seem to have done with this procedure.   I pray for grace to be faithful to following where He leads and to gain a disposition of gratefulness, thankfulness and integrity -- no matter what my road.

And yet another song from Decyfer Down on this topic of fear and trust ... I find strength rising within me as I listen to it.  (Again, apologies to those who don't prefer heavier type of music.. )

I'll Breathe For You

Ten thousand miles from home,
And still I know that you're right here with me,
They say,
I must deny the truth, if I want to live
But I won't turn from you

Until I live my final day,
I'll speak your name
I won't be afraid,
Until I draw my final breath,
I'll breathe for you,
I'll breathe for you!

I know, you have called me here,
But I can feel the fear, rising in me
You give me strength,
To stand when I'm alone,
When I'm far away from all I've ever known,
I'm following you


I'll breathe for you

(Chorus 2x)

I'll, I will breathe for you!