Patience has NOT been a virtue of mine.   (Yet another thing for me to work on!).  It's been a pretty challenging week in relation to fatigue.  My hubby went on a trip to South Carolina four days ago, leaving me to single parent.  While this really isn't that difficult on a normal day, when I'm fatigued it really is a challenge.  Throughout the past few days every couch or chair I have walked by, has beckoned me to collapse into a state of unconsciousness.  Alas, that is impossible with little children in the house!

Fighting despair, depression, or any other feelings which try to penetrate deep into my soul, I decided to look back into my blog to the weeks and months following my first procedure (May 20, 2010).  My hope was to find some encouragement that YES, things will get better.  Low and behold, there it was.  The evidence almost mirroring my physical state of today.   Post-procedure in May 2010, I was feeling rather horrible until at least a few months in.  At this stage where I'm at now (one month post-procedure), I was actually starting up IV prednisone treatments because of increased numbness.  I would say at this point, my numbness is about the same as before I went in for this latest procedure.  I guess I can take that as a good sign?  I know that by the 2nd month after my procedure last year, I was feeling great (energy-wise) so I pray that this is something on the horizon for not only me, but also for my family.  Patience is so difficult.  My entire being so desperately wants healing NOW.

I have been reading a book this week which has been a real encouragement for my soul, retraining my thinking to stop battling with God over this entire painful process called life.  Here is a quote from the book which I found especially interesting:

The question is this:  What would you do if you were absolutely confident God was with you?    Suppose you go to the doctor to check out a few annoying symptoms, only to find out you have multiple sclerosis.  What would you do if you were confident God was with you?  The point?  Simply this:  When you respond in your current circumstances as if you were confident that God is there, you will see God in the circumstances.  Maybe not immediately, but eventually.  Because the simple truth is that God IS there.  God is always there.  The problem comes when we allow our circumstances to distort our perspective and we miss God.

One more full day before hubby comes home.  I will have then survived 5 days on my own.  Sounds absolutely silly and ridiculous to hear myself say that.  I have always been able to take on anything.  Five days on my own without another parent?  Is that really such a big deal?  I must say I miss his encouragement and prayer for me in the mornings.  It really helps to start my day in a positive direction.  We take turns making the coffee every morning at 7am and bring it back to the other person in bed, while the kids watch a DVD (yes, all in our king sized bed), and we then share a loud (it's never quiet in our house) and giggling few moments together: sipping coffee, tickling the kids while they try to watch their DVD -- it is some of our most precious times together.  I really miss that.

So really -- what's the big deal with parenting on your own for 5 days?  Without energy -- it becomes a very daunting task (unless of course one employs Alice [from the Brady Bunch] to help out with all the meals and housecleaning .. then it wouldn't be so difficult).  Don't get me wrong, I am not complaining about having to be a parent (even if on my own).  My kids are a HUGE blessing to me, as not only do they provide me with constant love, affirmation and joy, they keep me from giving in to self-pity and they definitely keep my momentum going.  So I pray for the strength to do what I need to do each morning.  I pray for the strength to look only at the few moments ahead, not at next week or next month -- just today.   The only problem with placing those blinders on is that it makes me feel as though life is running off ahead without me.   Again, back to the challenge of finding (and trusting) God in all my circumstances.