Ok, I'm beginning to wonder if perhaps someone is slipping sleeping pills into my water.  For the past few weeks it seems I have been consistently getting more and more sleepy.  There are times, however, in my day where I do feel like I have a little energy to do things, but it is short-lived.  I feel constantly exhausted.  My body doesn't want to do anything. The simple act of taking the kids to the park almost feels like running a marathon.  One step at a time.  Take is slow. Don't think about tomorrow (too depressing).  Focus on now.  Count your blessings.   Try not to think about your losses and at all costs don't "wish" you could do what others are doing .. that is a guaranteed recipe for failure (feeling sorry for what I can no longer do).

Life feels very long.  When you take so many things that you enjoy out of the picture, it creates a searching for something else to replace your hobby or the thing that gives you life.  I am a very physical person.  That being taken away, I am stuck in a place trying to find out what gives me joy, fills up my 'gas tank', etc.  I find myself stuck, always reverting to thoughts such as "I like tennis, ballet, jogging, shoveling snow (my favorite!), hiking .. ".  Hmm.. how to find things that are not physical.  Any suggestions?  Knitting? uh no.  Chess?  (with MS brain fog? big resounding NO).   I will have to continue searching.

I also would like to find my place in how I can serve others.  I feel so stuck in a place of weakness, that I'm unable to do things such as cook meals for others (something I used to do) or find other ways to bless others.  Frankly, I feel like a big sponge in society.  While I am grateful for all that I receive, I do want to give back too.

Just a few meandering thoughts.  My pain is very minimal right now, which I'm thankful for.  The amantadine (for energy) doesn't seem to be working, so I may have to double dose it as suggested.  Really not wanting to do that.   I did just down a Starbucks Doubleshot Espresso & Cream coffee drink I purchased yesterday.  Thought it might give me a KICK to jumpstart my housecleaning (as we have guests coming over tonight).   While in a perfect world I could take up drinking that as my new "hobby", I'm sure my body wouldn't appreciate ingesting that on a regular basis.  Mmmm

Okay, off to do some dishes by hand (our dishwasher is broken  ARGH)