The pessimist within me is fighting so hard to take over.  But I know if I let it, then it's a downward spiral.  I realized last night that I have a few symptoms which are either new, or worsening.  This is not good news to me.   I see all over Facebook, people having the procedure done and starting their "new" lives, full of energy and life.   And I feel that mine is spiraling downward.  How does one cope with that?  How do you maintain a positive attitude when all you want to do is run and jump with your kids? It's probably a good idea to refrain from reading all those positive stories for awhile.

One thing that is new in my body is that I find I cannot sit in one position for very long.  The pressure on the heels of my feet is just too much to keep them in one spot.  If I cross my legs to give one heel some time off, then within a minute the legs will start to feel like they are numb.  So, I constantly change positions.  When my heels feel like there is just too much pressure on them, how do you change positions of your heels?  Very difficult to do as usually feet are on the floor!  Even in the shower this morning, with the tiled floor, I found standing on that uneven surface uncomfortable for my feet, BOTH feet.  Up until now, only numbness had been in my right foot (and leg).  Last night I was touching the top of my left foot, and it felt funny, almost as though desensitivity was starting, or numbness.  No.. not my left leg too!

While I haven't regained my limp back, I have found the last few days that my right leg has become much weaker, to the point that even walking feels like work. It's almost as if my bones don't want to lift my leg, almost like it's 300 lbs and just so hard to do.   I do it, just fine, but within me, it feels like so much work.   

Fear within me wells up.. (in the form of tears) and I PRAY that I'm not losing my legs... all I have wanted is to run and play with my kids.  I had hoped that this procedure would help me to do that again, like it has for so many.  Yet all these new and/or increased symptoms scream the opposite to me .. it taps me on the shoulder saying that my dream will not come true.

I so want to take one day at a time, to believe my body is healing.  Yet I'm so worn out.  I feel like my physical body has been through so much the last 20 years.  Emotionally, it's hard to keep plugging along. Yet, others seem to do just fine with adversity and maintain their positive attitude even if significantly disabled.  Perhaps I am just a whimp at heart.  Yet I don't think that wanting to be an active part of my family's life is a bad thing to dream of?  So much struggle, emotionally and physically.

Prayers are appreciated.  I am feeling defeated.