Wow.. what a disheartening couple of days.   Yesterday I woke up so completely exhausted, that I stayed in bed the entire day, most of it not even being able to open my eyes.  A little difficult when you have to make sure your children are fed and not getting into trouble!  The feeling I was having in my body, I would liken to if someone was hiding behind a door when you walked by, they jumped out to scare you and your entire body just electrified.  That's kind of what my body is feeling .. a strange startled feeling, but it doesn't go away, and it is completely draining of all energy!

I have noticed over the past few days an increase in the fluctuation of my cold / warm hands.  But they had still, at that point, been more warm than cold.

Today, when I woke, I found that while still having some of that really weird feeling flowing through my body, I was able to get up and not crash in exhaustion. I was glad that maybe I was starting the upward climb to normalcy again.  However, I noticed that my arm was very weak, and a bit achy .. much like it had been in previous MS attacks.  Could this past few days of exhaustion and now the weak arm be an MS attack?

A few hours ago my right arm also started to show other signs of issues.  My right hand has been numb for a long time now, maybe over a year.   I noticed that the numbness started to climb up my arm, towards my elbow, and then it started to get cold.  But this time, it got so cold that it felt like my arm was burning -- like I was holding my arm in a bucket of ice. This cold burning (and weak) feeling lasted a few hours until it finally flooded over with a warm feeling and my hands became warm again.  Finally, I thought, this warm feeling is much more comfortable than the ice one!  However, this was not to last and once again (after a few hours of warmth) my arm became cold again and it still is cold (it's been cold now for almost an hour). 

What does this all mean?

  • Does this mean that I have restenosed?
  • Is it possible to still have open veins, but have an MS attack?
  • Can you have poor circulation times like I am having now, but still have open veins and it is just all part of the healing process?
I wish someone had answers to my questions .. tips on what to expect post-procedure.  I wish I could feel confident that I'm still on the right track and that I haven't ended up where I started -- blocked and on the road to increased disease.

Your emotions are quite busy throughout all of this, your imagination on an unsupervised thinking spree.  So many thoughts race through your mind all day long, especially when your body is exhibiting different feelings that you believe shouldn't be there.   For example, I wonder how many MS patients feel guilt for having to be taken care of?   Do they feel guilty for being a constant burden on others?  I have felt that lately.   Maybe it's a symptom of feeling sorry for oneself ... I don't know.  But I know that I just wish there was one day where I could be the caregiver (without disease) and give for once instead of constantly taking.  But I know that cannot be at this moment in time.  But it is hard to feel like you are a drain on others and you fear 'at what point will people not want to be around me' because you have taken too much.

This is such a road of the unknown, it can drive one crazy with the "what if's" and the not knowing what is truly happening in your body.   I just pray that throughout this I can remain strong in faith and trust that God has me in His hands, because on my own, I cannot walk this road.