The last two weeks, I was starting to feel a little better. I was still feeling terrible, but "better" in that I didn't need to be laying around but was still tired and weak. My jaw actually had started to feel better and it wasn't aching anymore. There was still some numbness but it had gotten much better.

My little Julianna had her 5th birthday on May 17th. That was a very busy weekend. A few days later, I realized I was crashing again. My numbness in my face picked up and the discomfort in my face increased to being the entire left side of my face. I couldn't sleep well because of the pain (for lack of a better word .. it's not really painful, but severely achy). The weakness in my right leg has increased, and with each day I seem to be getting weaker.

This year has been a rough year. Each day seems to bring more struggles. My spirit is broken. I can't seem to accomplish the most normal things. My life has regressed to taking care of my kids (schooling etc.), not cleaning the house (no energy) and not seeing friends.. I just don't have the energy to go out.

It's hard fighting guilt, because my illness brings such stress to our family. I just so long to feel nothing .. no pain. I long to play with my kids, to have the emotional strength for another day. Sometimes pain is loud. It clouds all you do. You try to focus on the beautiful flower outside, but the shooting pain in your leg screams for attention. Wearing shoes proves to be difficult, because it just feels like an alligator is trying to cut off the circulation to your foot. My body is so sensitive even wearing clothes is uncomfortable. You sometimes search for the END button, but realize it's not there.

I posted a picture on Facebook recently, which is exactly how I seem to feel. When I try to make sense of my world, it feels like it's all messed up. This is a great visual of what seems to go on in my head when I try to figure out where to go from here. It's all just chaos.