I am wondering when this fight will end.  The fight for normalcy, the longing for the things that bring you life.  The world is so grey, so full of heartbreak.  Is this what God calls us to?  Does He allow us to get completely broken so we are perfected for heaven?

Five days ago, a storm hit my body, one which was difficult to recover from. I was already struggling with enormous fatigue, but on Sunday night, I could feel the decline setting in and by Monday morning, I could not get out of bed. I spent the next 3 days staring at the ceiling, wondering what I did to my body to make it hate me so much. Makes one wish that we had cable TV (as it gets boring counting the dots on the ceiling).

Today, I made myself get dressed and push through my day. I was walking down the grocery isle today, when all off a sudden I  had an urge to just flop down on the floor and give up -- just start wailing, crying and say "ENOUGH .. I CAN'T TAKE ANYMORE".  I'm sure the grocery clerks would thank me if they had known what was rolling around in my head and that I didn't follow through with it.  I continued to drag one foot in front of the other and instead choked down my tears.  How long Lord?  Is this what the rest of my life will be -- a continued degredation of my health?

I can honestly say that I hate summer.  Rainy, wet weather is what I feel at home in.  You see, with summer, comes increased activity -- and it's this activity that I'm somehow cursed to avoid.  I am forced to watch from the sidelines, when what I so desperately want is to be a participant. My boys remembered a long time ago when some friends of ours and our family played (light) hockey on our driveway.  It was a fun and rousing game!  They proceeded to tell me today how sad they were that I can't play with them anymore. They wish that God would heal me so I could play hockey, and tennis, and swim (and the list goes on) with them.  Oh how my heart breaks and breaks.   My dream growing up was to be a mom -- and one fully involved in their lives.  It is so crushing for me to say "I can't" over and over again when they ask if I can play, or go for a walk, or chase them around the house.   If I'm to view God as my heavenly Father .. that's a hard one to swallow, for I would NEVER wish such sorrow on any of my children .. even if I knew that down the road they would/could become a better person for their suffering.  I just don't see the value.  On the other hand, I don't see a value in pampering oneself, but shouldn't it be okay to want some type of relief or normalcy in one's life? I pray and pray for healing, even a little bit would be welcomed -- but I hear nothing. Do I give up? In reading other people's stories of lifelong suffering, it doesn't make me all to hopeful that there is healing out there for me.

I really don't think I was made for this type of suffering.  My brother (with parkinson's) seems to have "made it" to the point where he sees suffering as a blessing.  I have read books from Joni Eareckson Tada and lately a person who has fought multiple cancers in her lifetime and still don't know how to get to a place where "suffering is good".   I struggle so greatly with God's love for me.   I feel abandoned. I wonder why he let me have these desires in my heart to love and play with my children, a love for being active and a multitude of other desires of my heart that are broken.   That's it -- I am just broken.  I cannot seem to get to a place of healing, to become "unbroken".   I feel no joy. I feel no peace.  I go through the motions day after day, praying for some resolution of my struggle with this disease, for some hope, but things just continue to decline.  Will God be forever silent to me?  Must this be a journey of constant trust that He is God and I must just struggle through my existence to the end?   That is what I do not think I can do, at least with grace.   I am broken.

I constantly try to focus on the blessings of my life, and push away the hurts of "I wish you could play with me", yet everywhere I go, I see people doing normal things that I know they take for granted.    I find that I do not have the strength to fight the brokenness .. I am so tired of laying in bed, so tired of having to let my family do most of the work.   I am not wanting to be a burden.

I'm in the process of researching the cost of copaxone - not really relishing having to give myself needles daily the rest of my life, but I don't know what else to do if God doesn't show up.  Also, I'm going to see if my doc will prescribe LDN ... and see if that helps with my fatigue.

Once again, forgive me for my style of music -- it expresses the turmoil within. (I'm sorry, but country music just wouldn't fit hehe .. Feel free to just read the lyrics without the music, but for me, it just isn't the same).   This song, for me, talks of the battle that I feel with giving up vs. pressing on, with mourning all my losses and fighting against the constant thoughts of "I just can't do this anymore".  I am so thankful for my wonderful children.. without them, this road would be much more difficult.  (PS .. my hubby thinks this writing sounds suicidal.  I assure you, I am not. I just feel I am in a place devoid of hope.)

RED - "Fight Inside"
Enemy, familiar friend,
My beginning and my end,
Knowing truth, whispering lies,
And it hurts again.
What I fear and what I try,
Words I say and what I heard,
All the pain, I want it to end,
But I want it again.

And it finds me,
The fight inside is coarsing through my veins,
And it's raging,
The fight inside is breaking me again.

It's still the same, pursuing pain,
Isn't worth the lie I've gained.
We both know how this will end,
But I do it again.

And it finds me,
The fight inside is coarsing through my veins.
And it's raging,
The fight inside is hurting me again.
And it finds me,
The war within me pulls me under.
And without You,
The fight inside is breaking me again.

It's nothing.
It's everything.

It's breaking me.
I'm falling apart.
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3 Responses
  1. Deste Says:

    Oh, my dear friend...I wish I knew the words to comfort you, to give you something to bring you some peace and joy...but I don't...only that I love you and will continue to plead with God on your behalf. I don't understand what He is doing in letting you go through this pain...I am frustrated with Him about that. But I do know that because you know pain, you and I have become closer friends and I feel blessed to have you in my life. Love you so much :)

  2. Debbie - calgary Says:

    Wondering how you are, as I hadn't seen a posting in a bit - now I know why. I am weeping for you as I read this entry. What a terrible thing, not to be able to enjoy those little daily things with your children. Just the mental anguish you are facing makes me very sad, but at the same time, admire you for sharing. You are right, your children are your source of strength. Keep praying - there has to be an answer soon.

  3. Mandy Says:

    Your blog post sounds so much like David's cries in psalms. Crying out for God to vindicate him, to rescue him from the "miry pit". As much as you may not want to hear this... I love the psalms.. And I think your "cries" are as beautiful as the psalms. You are questioning God, which means you know He is there and real!! Life is not fair and it's not fair seeing you suffer like this. I cannot count how many times I have cried out on your behalf anymore.

    I don't know why God allows you to suffer like you are. I don't know why it's soo unfair. I have asked that many times as I've seen people suffer. Life is so unfair. But I do know that through this... Like Deste said that many of us have gotten to know you and had opportunities to love you like we may not have otherwise. I know from experience that it is way easier to give than to receive... But I have to say that it is an honor to be able to walk this road with you and to love you while you walk it. You are not a burden, nor are your thoughts or feelings. You are the most "real" person I know. I know there may be moments that you feel like a burden to your family... But they, too, are getting an opportunity to serve you in ways that many others can't. I'm glad to hear that they have the precious memories of you playing with them and the energetic you... The fact that they remember that tells me your life and your energy has made a lasting impact on their lives. You are special to each of us... Just as you are!!

    Don't change. Don't stop your crying out! You are being perfected, even as you are walking a road that is full of rocks and uphill battles... But I see similar characteristics in you that you see in your brother. I think it's just harder for you to see because you are so close to your own situation! I love you Dawna! Dont stop crying out and asking God just where He is... You are closer to God's heart than you know...


    PS- i am thinking.... your story/song would make a perfect country song... I can hear it now... Twang, twang, twang... Where are you God? Twang, twang, twang... I need You to come through for me tonight!!! Twang, twang...

    PPS- I think the *real* question is whether you can bear the burden of having a friend that loves country music and girly movies??? Can you walk this road with me in spite of what you might consider my flaws? Hehehe...